Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
