Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
