I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize