thus making me awesome and them whores
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just invented taco cereal.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
