Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
