FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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