he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
