The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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