His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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