if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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