I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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