when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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