love makes seman taste better
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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