When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
