Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize