Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
