Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You are the jesus of drinking
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
