i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
