so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
