I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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