well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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