im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
