Four minutes until I can fart!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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