fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
