nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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