We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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