i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
