Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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