a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
