Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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