3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
