checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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