my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
