there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
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