Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
