so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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