honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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