im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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