I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We need to get me chipped asap
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
