Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
