he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
