When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize