my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize