I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
