im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
