You're so nebulous sometimes
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
