hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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