you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
