One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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