Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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