I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize
