definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
