What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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