So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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