hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
