My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
