Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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