Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
