last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
