Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Just puked most of my soul out..
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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